Hi Friend,
Usually, when I hear a GREAT podcast episode I save it to include in my monthly roundup.
But this particular episode of this particular podcast is so important, I just can’t sit on it until the end of the month.
Drum roll …
“How to Lose Half of Your Guilt,” episode 221 of the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.
In this episode, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle discuss and unpack a RADICAL concept from the brilliant Dr. Becky Kennedy. Here’s the concept …
We are using the word “guilt” incorrectly. In a LOT of instances.
The correct use of the word “guilt” is when we’re describing how we feel when we’ve acted in a way that is against our values. (The New Oxford American Dictionary tells us that guilt [noun] is: a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.)
Example: I feel guilty because I shared a piece of gossip I heard about someone.
I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, and in not judging people. That’s a value I try hard to live by. And when I violate it, I feel guilty.
Here is a different situation:
I said No to a friend’s big birthday party. I find parties incredibly draining, so I would rather celebrate my friend by taking her out for drinks and bites.
As it turns out, my discomfort in situations like this is NOT guilt.
It is some other kind of emotion, for which I need to find a different descriptive word. Discomfort? Pain? Fear of hurting someone’s feelings? Fear of violating expectations?
Whatever it is, not attending my friend’s party is behaving in a way that honors what my body—what my heart and mind require, and being willing to sit in the discomfort and accept whatever consequences play out.
And, the consequences of that are sometimes very real. Culturally, I’ve been taught that to be a good friend, I have to go to my friend’s party. But that’s not my belief. It’s a cultural expectation. Nevertheless, I’ve frequently felt extreme discomfort when prioritizing my own needs/values over cultural expectations.
And, if I have any hope of living an authentic life, I’ll have to get comfortable with the discomfort of defying cultural expectations on matters large and small.
Dr. Becky recommends that we all develop our capacity to hold these difficult (non guilt) emotions because they allow us to live out our values, and by staying true to our values, we get to avoid those feelings of resentment we love dragging around with us.
This distinction between real guilt and “shoulding” all over myself feels revelatory.
Your thought experiment this week is to 1) listen to the podcast episode, and 2) observe yourself in action. What expectations are you saying “yes” to out of a mislabeled sense of “guilt”?
If you want an extra credit assignment, make a list of your most dearly held values.
Place the list somewhere visible, and work on developing the emotional resilience to sit with the discomfort of making moves based on your values, and not on the expectations of other people.
I’m telling you … this exercise is a game changer.
Have a great week, and shine on!
B |
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