Hi Friend,
I recently had some work done on a piece of furniture, and let’s just say that the final product wasn’t quite what I’d hoped for.
I sent pictures of what I found problematic to the artisan who did the work, then picked up the phone to talk them through my concerns.
It became clear right away that the person on the other end of the phone was … activatedby my feedback.
I sensed that they felt insulted, attacked, angry, and not a little bit heartbroken that their work had not provided the result I was after.
As a recovering codependent, this communication dynamic used to bring out the worst in me.
Anytime I sensed someone else’s negative emotions, I immediately moved into fight/flight/fawn (mostly fawn, if I’m being honest), and I’d do whatever it took to soothe and calm that person, utterly ditching my own needs in the process.
But after years (and I do mean years) of work on this fear response, I’m finally able to practice attunement to someone else’s negative reaction, which is worlds away from codependency.
Attunement is about listening deeply and with curiosity, without adopting the other person’s mood as my problem to manage. Attunement is about meeting people where they are, while still holding true to my own needs. Attunement believes that there is a way to find compromise, in a way that honors everyone.
From my hard-won place of attunement, I told the artisan that I appreciate their craftsmanship and the time they took with it, and that I have loved working with them over the years. And—that the outcome just didn’t fit the vision I had in my mind. I described the bit that was bothering me most. I did it in a kind way, with warmth in my voice.
And sure enough, that honesty, kindness and warmth unlocked a path forward.
It’s unclear whether we’ll ever realize my original vision for the piece, but I feel good that my compadre is working with me to find a solution.
How do I access attunement when someone is activated?
Breath + Mantra.
Breath delivers me out of my sympathetic nervous response, and back to the present moment.
Mantra gives my mind something to replace the terror loop. My mantra for this conversation was:
We are all doing the best we can every single day. There is always a solution to every problem.
Your thought experiment this week is to pay attention to how your behavior changes when you sense someone else’s negative reaction.
How might you become attuned to their state of mind, without losing yourself to their mood?
Let me know how it goes, and shine on. We need your light.
B |
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