Hi Friend,
The problem with people-pleasing isn’t just that it’s exhausting.
It’s all the lying it requires.
Lying about what we want. What we need.
Lying about having an actual life — constantly canceling or rescheduling what we had planned in order to accommodate other people’s plans, other people’s schedules.
Worst of all? It requires lying to *ourselves* about how we truly feel about something or someone.
Lying at this level creates a kind of cognitive dissonance: a need to explain away the distance between what we know is true and what we say is true.
To cope with that cognitive dissonance, we tell ourselves things like:
Well, I can say yes to this now, and next time I need something, they’ll help me … (but people- pleasers rarely cash in those chips … Amiright?)
Or …
Well, I’ll go along with these plans, because my plans probably weren’t as fun or interesting anyway.
Or …
Well, they usually know more than I do about these things, so I’ll just ignore how it’s gnawing at my gut. I don’t want to rock the boat, so I just won’t say anything.
What’s so dangerous about people-pleasing is that on some level, we think it works for us.
That it makes us likable. That it allows us to avoid confrontation and conflict.**
Until it starts to make us sick inside. Or so rage-filled that we cannot see or feel anything else.
It’s all fun and games until we snap, and go full Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.
As a recovering people-pleaser, I can tell you this:
Speaking truth ain’t easy. Offering a dissenting opinion isn’t fun. Upsetting the existing power structure is no walk in the park.
But staying in people-pleasing mode is not only inauthentic and dishonest, it leads to a life only half lived.
The thought experiment this week is ONLY for people pleasers (those who don’t struggle with this, you have the week off!:):
Every day, take a few minutes to checkin and ask yourself:
What do I need right now? What difficult conversation do I need to have in order to negotiate getting this need met?
Then, find the courage to listen to the response.
Find the courage to sit with the discomfort of being vulnerable as you make this request.
Find the courage to keep asking and keep negotiating until you get that need met.
Find the courage to speak kindly and directly when the truth requires it.
HOW do you find the courage? By adopting a new identity …
I am NOT a people pleaser.
I am a truth teller and a truth seeker.
From one teller/seeker to another, shine on.
B
