A few years ago, I was in a 1:1 coaching session with a very bright young woman. Let’s call her Jane.
Jane came to our session with a very specific communication problem; she felt she lacked “presence” in the room. I could see where she was coming from, because everything from her small voice, to the way she made every statement sound like a question, signaled “nice,” but also “small.”
Jane and I worked on different ways to show up in a room and signal her power, strength, and intelligence. We focused on replacing the negative thought patterns she was telling herself about the people she was meeting.
One of the pieces of advice I gave her made her do a double take.
I asked her: what do you do bring pleasure and joy into your life?
She laughed and replied, “Not a whole lot. I’m constantly trying to keep up with everything, and am mostly failing.”
Sound familiar? She was in the same hamster wheel as the rest of us: hustling to be good enough and earn worthiness by making all the right moves.
Here’s what I know as a coach: The people who inspire and attract us are the ones who know how to inspire themselves. They serve from a full cup, and when their cup gets low, they know how to refill it.
Authenticity and presence flows from a cup that knows how to fill itself. There’s this beautiful line from Julia Cameron’s groundbreaking book The Artist’s Way, “We become original because we become something specific: an origin from which work flows.”
When Julia Cameron says we must become something specific, she means we have to be in direct contact with our own real desires, interests, and yearnings, i.e. our own human experience, not society’s version.
Having a pleasure practice helps us become that specific version of us. Consciously engaging in things that bring us pleasure help us become that beautiful “origin from which work flows.”
PLEASURE VS. RELIEF
We may feel we are gaining pleasure when indulging in chocolate, Netflix, or booze, yet those are all forms of relief.
Relief is not the same as pleasure. As joy.
The radiance that lights up a conversation, meeting, or Zoom call is created when we consciously cultivate joy and pleasure, wherever and however possible.
But here’s the paradox;
While the things that bring us relief are never more than an arm’s distance away, the things that bring us pleasure are often intimidating, scary, and require more.
Let that sink in for a second.
Here’s an example. For weeks, I have been moaning about my lack of time spent alone, something that, as an introvert, brings me deep levels of pleasure.
So, I let myself dream a bit, and asked, “What would I do if I wasn’t someone’s mother, wife, teacher, coach, or anything? If I was just a solo human, what would I do today?” The answer came through loud and clear, “I’d go to Chrissy Field in San Francisco and walk the length of that damn beach with my eyes, ears and heart wide open.”
Immediately, I knew that sounded PERFECT, but I also started thinking of reasons why this wouldn’t be feasible. The air quality is awful from the fires, and there probably won’t be any bathrooms open because of COVID-19. Above all, I feel guilty for leaving my responsibilities at home to drive 2 hours just for a walk.
From knowing what I know about pleasure, you have to be ready to climb over whatever obstacles show up, it’s just part of the deal.
When we lean into the shit that brings us joy, the universe tests our steeliness with random inconveniences and blocks. Be ready. Lean in anyway.
So I told myself, “Your kids are fine. Their Dad is home and there’s a fridge stocked with food. If public bathrooms aren’t open, there will be bushes or I could even bring a cup to pee in.” It wouldn’t be the first time I had to do something like that.
I got into my car, and, of course, one of the tires was flat. I ran inside and grabbed keys to the other car, just to realize that there were 4 miles of gas in the tank. Whatever. Pleasure means overcoming obstacles.
I cleaned the ashes off the windscreen, and headed North. And thank god I did.
I saw the gorgeous Golden Gate Bridge, dazzling, despite the state of the world. I heard the familiar sounds of the fog horns, the very same ones that lulled me to sleep for the +10 years I lived in the City. I saw Alcatraz through the haze of smoke. I saw ginormous grey feathered cranes and tiny little willets. I saw a woman in her 60s swimming the length of the beach, without a wetsuit, while her black lab paddled patiently behind her. I saw a red-haired little girl squatting in the sand as she carefully scooped her bucket of sea water into a hole she’d dug. I heard seagulls. I brought binoculars to look as closely as possible at the things that interested me, and there were a lot.
I filled myself up by simply paying attention.
In fact, that experience at Chrissy Field reminded me of another beautiful quote from Julia Cameron:
“The more difficult truth is that creativity is grounded in reality, in particular, the focused, the well observed, or the specifically imagined.”
Replace the word “creativity” with “presence” and the sentence is equally as true.
GUILT AND PLEASURE
When people come to me looking for tips on executive presence, we, of course, discuss the mechanics of good communication skills. Eventually, the work leads to a deeper truth, forcing us to enter deeper into life itself; to lean in to what fills us up.
I’m going to make a huge generalization right now. Indulge me, ok?
For many of us, especially married women with children, cultivating pleasure for pleasure’s sake is a radical act. Straight up.
We feel bad for feeling good if our kids or partners aren’t there feeling good beside us.
We feel guilty for indulging in a trip, or for some alone time.
We ask ourselves, who even does this? This is weird. Forget it. I’ll just muscle through and then bury my feelings in a nice Rose tonight.
We reach for relief, instead of pleasure.
STRIVE TO BE ALIVE
It’s time we choose a new word to aim for. Instead of trying to be “good” people, let’s try to be alive, lit up people. Especially now, with everything going to hell in a handbasket.
When we feel the most alive, we also feel the most grateful. That gratitude sparks a passionate desire to make things better, ultimately filling us with power, presence, and purpose. We shine.
Which brings me back to my story of Jane.
Jane left our session with practical ways to manage her body language, and create an intention for each meeting. We worked on making sure she had key points, and that she was ready to deliver them in a way that was repeatable, clear, and authentic.
But, Jane also left our meeting with a plan to fill herself up. She left committed to filling herself up to capacity with moonlight, poetry, emotion, laughter, grief, and with her own gorgeous humanity.
That’s the fullness I wish for all of us.
In that fullness, our presence radiates and draws people in.
You want to improve your presence? Dive DEEP into what brings you pleasure and joy.
From that place you will radiate and shine.
Shine on, you crazy diamonds.
See you next time.
