Things are interesting right now.
It reminds me of that Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” By the way, I looked that up and it’s only rumored to be a Chinese curse. It’s up for debate where that phrase actually comes from. It seems, like all things these days, origin stories are really difficult to verify.
POSITIVITY
Usually, when I plan a podcast episode for you, I plan it from the highest possible vibe I can muster. I pray, meditate, and call forth my highest self. I create from a mental state of what I like to call Xanadu. I believe it’s where all the juice and inspiration is, and, if I’m honest, I think I’m attached to a self-concept that is dependent on being positive all the time.
There’s some part of me that believes a good teacher or coach needs to be positive all the time. But the truth is, life is weird right now. Some days, I wake up feeling so inspired and full of ideas and ambition, I can’t get out of bed fast enough! Other days, I find the weight of this human experience almost unbearable. What’s going to happen? What’s going to become of any of us? Of our kids? Of this world?
This uncertainty is nothing new. People are born and people die every day. Jobs are created and jobs are lost. It’s just that the probability in volume and numbers have tipped into a whole other scale. It makes me scared.
There are days that I wake up feeling scared and I actively pine for the days when I predicted what would happen, because, I was mostly right. We knew what to expect from life. But right now, we can’t predict anything. It’s all a question mark. It seems like a battle every day just to beat back the darkness and uncertainty and to keep moving forward and bringing the light.
DEALING WITH UNCERTAINTY
This need to beat back any kind of darkness feels like a kind of immaturity. Sometimes, I wonder if our ambition; our insatiable need to improve ourselves, to listen to podcasts, to read all of the books, and do all of the cleanses and diets, is all just a way of protecting ourselves from the actual experience of being human.
It’s like we build these elaborate sand castles with drawbridges, moats, jet skis, vacations, handbags, cleanses, Master’s degrees and entanglements, and when the ocean comes to reclaim our creations, we get outraged. But, wasn’t the temporariness of the sand castle exactly the point? Isn’t the relentless power of the ocean what made the sand castles worth building in the first place?
What if we committed to just surrendering to this season of human history instead of fighting it? What if we just mourned the loss of the year we thought we were going to have, and accept that we never had any more than this moment to count on anyway?
So much of us have lost so much, and the losses aren’t anywhere near being finished. Instead of resisting, what if we decided to stay as awake as possible? What if I paid super close attention to how this moment in life feels to me as a woman, as a mother, a wife, a business owner, and a teacher in the year 2020, even if that means having my heart broken by it?
ACCEPTING
Last summer, I took my girls to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. They wanted to go on the giant dipper, which is this really scary ride, at least for me, but, I love my daughters so I always go on that damn ride with them. They love laughing at my terror, and I notice that my terror makes them feel even braver and laugh even harder, so it’s totally worth it.
The last time we rode it together, my daughter asked me, “Mom, why do you keep your eyes closed the whole time?” I said, “Because I’m terrified, and facing the drops will just be easier if I don’t look.”
She laughed and responded, “Mom, you chose to get on this roller coaster. Either ride it or don’t.”
Either ride it or don’t.
If I accept that this roller coaster is the ride I am on and really looked, 2020 would scare the crap out of me. But as Eckhart Tolle says, “it’s the experience you were meant to have because it’s the experience you’re having.”
So much of my sadness and stress right now is because I’mfighting against the uncertainty. I’m outraged by the madness of this world. I’m furious about the injustice that my own privilege has kept me blind to for so long. I’m super pissed off that I can’t get on an airplane, that my daughter can’t have a normal high school experience, that I can’t get my fucking hair highlighted or my eyebrows shaped, and that I can’t seem to get time alone in my own house.
KEEPING MY EYES OPEN
But, this week, I’m going to experiment with just keeping my eyes open, inviting the stomach drop, and feeling the lack of control I have over anything, because, that control was always an illusion anyway. I have no idea if this will make things better or worse, but, it will feel more honest.
I feel a kind of incongruity happening inside of my body. My conscious mind wants to just keep swimming as Dory says, but my soul is saying, “Don’t turn away. This is happening. Face it. Grieve it if you have to, but face it.”
When I look back on my life, which could be five minutes from now, or 50 years from now, I want to know that I tried to live in a state of congruity.
I’m not interested in following the rules or being good. I am interested in what is real and true, and on days like this, that can mean shouting, “This is fucked, but at least I’m here, and I’ll keep showing up until they tell me I can’t.”
As Lady Gaga would say, “I’d rather be dry, but at least I’m alive. Rain on me.”
So friend, in case you need to hear this, maybe it’s time we ride the roller coaster with our eyes wide open. I’ll be there right beside you.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Hang in there, and I’ll see you next time.
