How to Survive Overwhelm: My Interview with Ben Kiker

Have you ever been so overwhelmed you felt paralyzed? And then you felt run over by the shame of feeling paralyzed?

I have.

But guess what else I have? Support from one of the greatest coaches out there, Ben Kiker. I recorded this very candid conversation for you so that you would have access to him too in your moments of being overwhelmed.

In this conversation, we talk about how I got over the proverbial wall, got out of my own way, and back onto a path of growth and expansion.

I gotta be honest. It was a little uncomfortable for me to record something so private and personal, but I figured if we were all a bit more honest about what really plagues us, we might be a little less tortured. A little more compassionate. A lot more willing to forgive ourselves and others.

You’ve heard from Ben before. He was my Season II opener, episode #16: Let Go or Be Dragged. And back then, I was just a fan and a friend. But eventually, I became a client. In my moment of being overwhelmed and feeling paralyzed, Ben created a plan to help get me into action, and then as he puts it, “helped with resiliency to stay in action around that plan.”

In other words, he helped me help myself.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to work with a really good business coach, you’re about to find out.

Here are some of the highlights and resources mentioned during the show. These are concepts I am returning to again and again as I navigate my life.

• Hit the pause button and pull up! When we’re overwhelmed we’re not “in the flow,” and everything just feels harder. The first step to getting grounded and back “in the flow” is to hit the pause and pull up. This allows us to create psychological distance between us and our (often negative and obsession) thinking. Then we can reach for one of our resources (and Ben shared many resources in this podcast)!
• Expansion is always followed by contraction. The mind has an amazing ability to hit you hard with fear-based thoughts just as you step out and do something new, expansive and daring. Don’t be fooled: those thoughts are just thoughts. Acknowledge them as contraction thoughts, and get right back into the present moment (where expansion truly happens).
• You have a gift that needs protection and development. It is critical to honor and own unapologetically what you’re good at, while making space for self-care … not as an indulgence but as a critical part of protecting and developing your gift(s).
• Find your true North. It’s almost impossible to get and stay grounded without having a “true north.” What are you here to do? Be? What are you here to experience? If you don’t know the answer to these questions, start with this one: What brings you joy? When things get difficult, it’s incredibly important to re-orient yourself, and re-align with your purpose in this life. For Ben, his true north is meaningful relationships, meaningful experiences, meaningful work in that order, always. My true north is to bring light and joy, and to change the way we communicate. 
• Stop focusing on what’s wrong, start focusing on what’s right. Find your secret sauce— or “active ingredient” as Ben likes to say—and build on that. Start with what is good, and watch it expand.
• Keep a “Nice Things” document. Anytime you get a compliment that means something to you, write it down. Sit with it. Take it in. Our brains cling to negative feedback, but don’t retain the positive comments people make. Why? Blah blah blah, cavemen, death by saber tooth tiger … you know the story. The point is, we are wired to remember threatening info and to forget “fluffy” info. And yet so much of our self-esteem is rooted in our ability to own, remember and call upon our strengths and accomplishments! Start a document today and review it as often as you need to. I have one and it fills me with confidence every time I read it. Seriously. Do it right now.
• Let your “Big Rocks” dictate where your time goes. What are the 3-5 things that are the biggest priority in your life? Are you managing against those every day, or against the millions of little fires that pop up?
• Don’t be afraid of spirituality. There is so much comfort and strength to be gathered from a spiritual practice of some kind. Don’t let the word “God” and all of its baggage stop you from connecting to something bigger each day.

Resources:

• Stealing Fire: How Silicon Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Scientists Are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work
• Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations: Richard Rohr, Finding Your True Self. This is a wonderful introduction to Richard and his POV on all thigns spiritual.
• Center for Action and Contemplation – another great way to learn more about Richard, 
  • including resources (e.g. books, newsletters, podcasts, etc.) with Richard.
• Ben Kiker’s website and Instagram for “in the moment” coaching via Ben’s stories.

Perhaps most importantly … when you find yourself stuck in fear, overwhelm, or feel paralyzed, ask for help.

If you can afford to get a coach GET ONE. GET BEN if you can! But if that’s not an option, look at your network of friends and colleagues. Is there someone whose opinion you trust? Can you be vulnerable long enough to get help? It makes a HUGE difference.

Earth school is hard, and we were never meant to go it alone.

Thanks for listening. And know that I’ve always got your back, and I’m right here in the trenches with you.

Shine on, you crazy diamonds. I’ll see you next time.

Current Obsessions

This study was conducted by Lean In and McKinsey and is, according to the Wall Street Journal, the “one of the most comprehensive examinations to date of the experiences of working women and men,” and it includes data from 329 companies (that’s 13 million people on the payrolls, collectively speaking). But best of all? They were able to pinpoint a major issue for women in the workforce: advancement up the management ladder early in their careers. Turns out the first rung on the ladder is awfully tough for women to grab hold of for reasons that are simultaneously surprising and not surprising at all. You can read all about the why and how of this phenomenon, but what I dug was hearing about how women (especially minority women) outmaneuvered the biases and systems that are stacked against them. I LOVE how this is covered in the article through the examples of real women making real progress. Here’s one of my favorite parts of the article:

The takeaway for some women is that they have to assemble their own career ladder. After working for more than a year in sales at an Atlanta-based financial-services company, Rebecca Weizenecker wanted to vie for a job heading a direct-sales team. Before applying, she went to the hiring manager and asked him to be candid about her strengths and weaknesses. At 24, she lacked experience, he said. She pressed for specifics.

“‘What are the specific gaps, and are we talking 10 years of experience or is this a three-month learning curve?” she says she asked. When he told her it was probably a matter of months rather than years, Ms. Weizenecker put together a 90-day plan that included additional training. Soon after, she landed the job.

“I made it hard for them to say no,” says Ms. Weizenecker, now 29 and vice president of sales and marketing at FundThrough, another financial-technology firm.

LOVE THAT. Here’s to all of the women out there making hard to say no.

The Moth Presents Occasional Magic

Living in the Extreme, by Anne Daniels

I was at home playing with my eighteen-month-old triplets, and I was given an advert asking for ordinary women to apply to be a part of a North Pole Expedition.

Occasional Magic will remind you that there is a lot more to the human race than exploitation, greed and environmental destruction. I don’t know about you, but I need to be reminded of that every so often.

Full disclosure: I’m obsessed with this memoir because I’m obsessed with Liz Phair. Even though her debut album Exile in Guyville came out in 1993, it is still considered one of the most important albums of all time (ahem, Rolling Stone ranked it as #327 on the top 500 albums of all time) and it still occupies a very important space in life.

But what makes her memoir binge-worthy isn’t all the juicy rock-star-tells-all bits, or her nuanced reaction and general take on #metoo. It’s that she writes the way a true friend would. A friend who’s interested in getting dead honest about her faults, her regrets, her strengths and all of the micro moments that made her the woman she is—for better or worse.

And I am always here for that kind of conversation. Especially when that “friend” is Liz f*cking Phair (no one drops an f bomb better than she does).